About 3 years ago I met my ex boyfriend. Our relationship started off hard . . . but we learned a lot about each other and in about 6 months we moved in together and started a succesful and loving relationship.
We didnt have everything in common, but I still loved him and respected him. We did things together quite often, but still made time for our own friends. I was happy, and I was leading probably the most perfect life anybody could think of. The problem was location. I hated living in Phoenix Arizona and wanted to move to a place that had more culture and artistic things happening.
We decided that we would do travel work together (we are both in the healthcare field) but at the last minute he said no. For a couple of weeks I talked to my friends and all that and decided that I should move out of Phoenix AZ to follow my dreams of getting back into music and meeting new people in that field. The scene in Phoenix is very bad or I would havePlease give me advice on my life situation. Long question.?
I feel for ya. That is a tough one. But the problem is...you already know you are unhappy in Phoenix, and that was when you were with your boyfriend. So what is moving back there going to solve? So you are happy for a while, but it's going to go back to the same thing again in no time. You are going to feel stifled and unhappy. Ideally, he moves with you to wherever you think the music is. But the problem with that scenerio is that it takes two to make that decision, and it doesn't sound like moving is in his immediate plans. In general, people are attracted to happy, fulfilled people. And you need to do that for yourself. You can't wait for another person to do that for you. I think you should concentrate on where you are personally headed, career wise, put all your time and effort into that. Boston doesn't do it for you, how about New York or Philly? (I don't have a clue about the music scene!) Find something that works for you. Once you get established and find success, he may be more willing to make the move, as well. OR NOT!! But unfortunately, you can't control what he does. Maybe, once you find that happy person inside yourself, the rest will follow. I agree that for now, you distance yourself from each other as he suggests. If it was meant to be, it will happen. Good luck, hope this helps!!Please give me advice on my life situation. Long question.?
The problem here is that you aren't together, but you haven't let go. You won't find happiness in the present while you're hanging on to, and idealizing, the past.
If the two of you can't decide to be together, it might be better to cut off contact, completely, to give yourselves time to heal and adjust.
Sounds like you're confused as to where to focus your energy on, You have to decide whether you're going to follow your heart {as far as your ex-boyfriend goes} or do what you have a passion for {your music}. Maybe once you start going out to different bars and clubs you may run across someone who will make you forget your ex, Good Luck!
You've been going through these emotions for 3 years? Thats a sign! Relationship aside, why would anyone move to Boston to get ';back into music';? Did you do any research before moving to Boston? I guess it depends on what kind of music scene you are into.
Los Angeles seems obvious for the music industry or ';artistic things'; for that matter. Santa Fe would have been better than Boston.
I'm sure you will figure it out. One thing does seem certain, you and your ';bf'; aren't on the same page.
EDIT: It wasn't a joke. Boston isn't a music mecca. And just because there is a music college there doesn't change that fact. Obviously you still chose wrong. A million places to play music at, huh? Are you going to school or playing gigs here and there? By the way you talked about it, it didn't and still doesn't sound like you thought out your decision.
In LA, alI I ever see are indie and alternative acts. Maybe its a fluke? Its neither here nor there ... the issue is that you haven't let go of your relationship, and its holding you back.
You'll have the rest of your life to figure it out. Good luck.
your ex is right you can't use the idealised view of your relationship as it was to justify you not sticking with your original decision - he seems to know and care for you but things change you weren't satisfied enough to stay - sometimes we have to make hard choices - you are lonely and the idea of having this wonderful life in boston may have not lived up to your expectation but life is about forward momentum and living with the choices we make - don't let fear, loneliness or a romaticised view make you change your mind again
I really don't think you can ever go back...I think the proper question is 'can we both move forward from here?'...Your boyfriend hasn't made any firm commitment to do anything. Maybe you should see what he REALLY wants to do. I don't know...it's a tough call..but good relationships are hard to find.
Once you decide to spoend your life with someone you are stuck making decisions together. If you want to experience other things or move then you have to do it. You will meet someone else or maybe your boyfriend will come to visit and like the area you are moving to and decide to stay. I say travel or move, if you dont you will regret it the rest of your life and it may ruin your relationship because you will resent him for holding you back.
Finding a balance in any relationship is not easy but when you do everything else just falls into place. You say you were living the perfect life but the location was the issue. Now you have moved and this location is still not for you. You left your BF coz u wanted to pursue your goals and dreams and he supported you. Well done to him. Now if you want to go back talk to him and try to figure out what the best solution will be. Try to figure it out together. Could he not move to be with you. Both of you try out a new place together. Maybe you r not enjoying Boston because he is not with you. Remember it's not the location that makes a relationship work. It's the persons involved.
I have lived in 7 countries on 4 continents, so I understand what it means to move.
I have learned one very important thing as a result of all those moves: I always take myself with me wherever I go. If I am having problems of any kind, the root is always me. I am the problem. It's not the place.
Your ex is not the problem either. The things he is saying are not what's wrong.
Your attitude about your separation is what you should take a look at. It's plain you're unhappy, and you're upset that you don't seem to be able to control the situation.
You have only these choices:
1. Fret over the separation, wait for the visit projecting the outcome you think would be best, and be miserable.
2. Accept the separation for what it is - the end of the relationship, wait for the visit without predicting the outcome, and be happy.
3. Choose to completely end the relationship and decline his upcoming visit.
I may be wrong, but that's how I see it. In my experience, the place is never the problem.
Have you thought of talking to a professional counselor of some kind? They're there to help.
I think you should call him up and see how he would react to your asking to move back with him. I feel for you when you said you miss him so.
If you stayed, now that you would be staying for the sake of a relationship, would you begin to resent the relationship, or could you stay and let it pass? You have to consider that your partner was able to decide to choose Phoenix even though he knew the relationship would be affected.
If you left, would you be miserable because you left? Or would you be able to leave with a postive view of the future, with the knowledge that you'd had a good relationship that you could be grateful for. Could you move on in life satisfied and happy with the experience and without carrying regrets with you?
You are kind of like in ';suspended animation'; because you are hooking all your hopes and dreams waiting on his decision of what to do. I think you might be a ';needy'; person. You are basing your happiness on what he does instead of on what you do. I know you don't want to hear that now, though.
You have to remember that there is no ';one'; person for you. There are many people out there that you can be happy with. It is hard to believe, but it is true.
If you don't want to leave Boston, don't wait for your old b/f to come to you. Go out and meet others. Get out there. Meet others. (Let me repeat myself.) Go out and meet others. Have at least *10 dates* with other guys before you think of the problem again.
If you don't like Boston, make a list of cities that might qualify and make a tour of them. Move to each one to see how they feel. After you find the perfect place, then look for the perfect relationship.
If you are simply lonely, have a platonic roommate who can go out places and do things with you.
And don't overlook counseling. 3 years is too long to suffer with a problem.
the biggest question is this: what will bring you less unhappiness? if the music scene isn't working out for you and you're now careerless and loveless the best thing to do would be to try to move back with him, regroup, and maybe in a few years see if you can get to oregon or new york(but not without your boyfriend). if you can imagine being old men together, and he can too, grab onto him and don't let go
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